SexynoJutsu
by demonrubberducky
Summary: Naruto sets out to prove to Sasuke that his sexynojutsu is the ultimate technique. Can he get Kakashisensei to fall for his technique, or will he be Sasuke's slave for the day? SasuNaru, KakaIru


Summary: Naruto sets out to prove to Sasuke that his sexy-no-jutsu is the ultimate technique. The challenge-to make a version that can ensnare Kakashi.

Length: One shot

Pairings: KakaIru (as always!), SasuNaru

Rating: M

Time: Four years after start- and a nice convenient plot hole as to how Sasuke got back. Ignorance is bliss, and I only want you all to be happy!

Disclaimer: Not mine. If it were, you'd know, because Kakashi would be in every shot,

groping Iruka.

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Sexy-no-Jutsu

The bet started, as the grand majority of Naruto's bets did, with a brag.

"My sexy-no-jutsu is the Ultimate Ninja Technique!" He proclaimed one day during a training session with his teammate Sasuke. "No one is immune! I will defeat every enemy and become Hokage in no time with it, dattebayo!"

Sasuke had been content to let his blond teammate's comments pass by with a roll of his sharingan eyes. That is, he was, until Naruto continued.

"My technique is so much better than your wimpy fireballs!"

Most of the shinobi in the village had learned a few rules about Uchiha Sasuke, and what could be said in front of him. Talk about his fan girls was taboo, for one, as well as anything Uchiha Itachi (until it was followed by "who is a clan-killing bastard whom the great Sasuke the avenger will smite") or his parentless state. Most shinobi had also learned that criticism of his Katon Goukakyuu no Jutsu, or any of the Uchiha clan's exclusive techniques, was simply not allowed. Unfortunately, Naruto was the one clueless ninja that never followed such rules (or, more than likely, hadn't figured them out yet).

Sasuke's eye twitched as he heard Naruto's comment. He, as the sole sane survivor of his illustrious clan, couldn't allow that insult to pass.

"Your technique sucks, dobe! It can't even compare to an academy student's jutsus, much less to mine!" He decided to overlook that the sexy-no-jutsu had been developed in academy years, and had only been modified through Naruto's years as a genin and more recently as a chuunin.

"My jutsu is the best! I bet there isn't a ninja in Konoha who wouldn't fall for it!" Naruto yelled. Sasuke smirked, satisfied. Riling up Naruto was always so amusing.

"I'll take that bet." He replied. The only thing he liked more than riling up Naruto and watching him flush oh-so attractively (not that Sasuke thought he was attractive, though; it's just that other people did! Really!) was beating Naruto.

"Fine! Name your terms!" Naruto said, filled with confidence. He had faith in his wonderful jutsu, which had never failed him in his pervert filled village.

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The terms of the bet were worked out fairly quickly, because Naruto was confident that he would be able to win, and because Sasuke knew exactly what is was he wanted from the kyuubi-boy. Sasuke would pick one person from the village ("Whoever I want, ninja or civilian", he'd specified) for Naruto to target with his jutsu. If he couldn't incapacitate the person with some modification of the sexy-no-jutsu within twenty-four hours, he'd be Sasuke's slave for one day. If he won, he'd win a week's worth of ramen from Sasuke. Both were satisfied with the deal, each convinced that he had the contest in the bag. Sasuke didn't consider the bank-breaking appetite of his companion worth worrying over, and Naruto completely ignored the potential danger of accepting such vague terms.

The two boys decided to take a break from their training (it was almost lunchtime anyways) to scout out the perfect victim. Sasuke watched everyone they passed on the street on their way to the ramen stand, weighing his options.

'Morino Ibiki, maybe? He's trained to withstand all kinds of techniques.' He thought. 'No, there's no need for that. This is Naruto, after all.'

The brooding young Uchiha observed a group of squealing girls trying to follow him secretly. 'A girl, maybe? No, he could change into me. A child? They wouldn't fall for that.' No, no children, he decided. He didn't fancy having angry parents hunting him down for tainting their innocent babies, and he wasn't going to emotionally scar a fellow orphan.

He pushed past the curtain of the ramen stand (Naruto had run ahead and was already on his second bowl when Sasuke sat down). 'The ramen stand owner!' he thought. 'It's perfect! Naruto won't want to anger him because the dobe lives off of ramen. And if the man's daughter found out he used _that_ technique against her father, he'd be barred from the stand forever.'

Sasuke was about to announce his decision when something strange happened. As he watched his best friend slurping up noodles with such enthusiasm, he remembered all the times he'd seen Naruto here. He recalled the first day they'd spent as a real team, after their survival training-Naruto had man-handled Sakura and him all they way here and practically force-fed them ramen in celebration. He remembered sitting next to Naruto here, buying Kakashi a bowl in an attempt to catch a glimpse of his face. He remembered throwing back the curtain of the place as he searched desperately for his friend when Itachi returned to the village. He had spent countless hours watching Naruto eat here from afar, looking on with jealousy as he dined with Iruka, basking in his brotherly love, disgust as he joked crudely with the other male rookies, and with general fascination as he fed himself and smiled when he had no one at all to join him. Sasuke felt a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach, like there was something warm and fuzzy in there, pawing madly in an attempt to get out. He didn't _want_ Naruto to get kicked out of this familiar place. He didn't _want_ to make Naruto sad. All he wanted was to win the bet so Naruto could be his. 'Not in a pervy way!' he shouted to himself. 'In an I'm-going-to-embarrass-you-into-next-week way!'

Damn it! The ramen man was out. Sasuke cursed himself for his weakness. Avengers weren't supposed to care about things like that. He turned around until he was facing the street. He'd have to find another target, someone that Naruto didn't care about enough to be unconcerned about what they thought of him, or someone whom would eventually forgive him.

A shock of silver hair passed by, peeking up over a bright orange and pink book. Bingo!

"Oy! Dobe!" he called, interrupting Naruto's seventh bowl.

"What, teme?" Sasuke pointedly turned his eyes away from the broth that was dribbling down his chin. No, it wasn't adorable, and he most definitely _didn't_ have the urge to lick it off.

"I've picked a target for you." He told him, pointing one pale finger at their retreating jounin sensei.

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Naruto sniggered to himself as he stalked his former sensei. He had this bet in the bag! Kakashi, while not as obvious as Jiraiya, was widely known to be a pervert.

Sasuke had argued against his reasoning, of course. He seemed to think that just because he could read adult novels in public every spare moment of his life without even the slightest of reactions, he was somehow immune to Naruto's divinely inspired jutsu. But what did that bastard know about people? Sasuke had the social skills of a rock.

Naruto was not concerned by the fact that the original form of his sexy-no-jutsu hadn't even been acknowledged by Kakashi. As soon as the target had been named and Naruto had sucked down his final bowl of ramen, he had chased down the jounin and hurled himself into the unsuspecting man's arms. The copy-ninja had been surprisingly unconcerned to find a naked, busty blonde girl with whiskered cheeks pressing against him; he had simply smiled as said "You're looking well today, Naruto."

Naruto wasn't even deterred that his harem-no-jutsu had failed too. Upon finding himself surrounded by a sea of naked women, Kakashi had merely transported himself away, never even looking up from his novel.

The failure of his newly improvised yuri-harem-no-jutsu had been the first hint that he might need a new tactic. While this jutsu, in which the aforementioned sea of naked women began kissing and groping one another, resulted in thirty-seven nosebleeds, eighteen cases of fainting, and the hospitalization of three individuals from the various onlookers in the village, the silver-haired jounin had acted like he didn't even notice that they were there.

'There's no way that book could be that good!' Naruto told himself. Then he had realized something that had never occurred to him before. Kakashi must not like blondes! It was so obvious!

So Naruto's new tactic began. He would stalk Kakashi until he found out what his type was. Brunettes, maybe, or redheads? He still had twenty-three hours to find out and revise his jutsu accordingly.

Following Kakashi undetected was pretty easy, now that he'd learned how to conceal himself (Jiraiya had refused to train him until he could follow along on the prevent-hermit's 'research trips' without blowing their cover, so he could go along unnoticed when he tried now). Ironically enough, the most enigmatic ninja in Konoha was extremely…predictable. Naruto already knew he followed the same routine every day, unless he was away on a mission. He'd wake up, lounge around the memorial stone, show up three hours late with a lame excuse to train with Sasuke and Naruto (though he wasn't technically their sensei any more, since they'd become chuunin, he had offered to get them ready for the jounin trials, and they had gladly accepted his assistance), then train on his own or with Gai for an hour or so. There was only one part of the man's day that changed-when he would visit the mission board.

Naruto was thrown by this when he noticed it during his stalking. Kakashi only went there when Iruka-sensei was on duty even when he didn't have a report to file or a mission to receive. He actually waited around the mission room for an hour when he caught Iruka on his lunch break, refusing help from any of the other chuunin on duty until the scarred man came back. When Iruka returned, Kakashi continued reading his book as he turned in a post-it note to the confused sensei.

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"What's this, Kakashi-san?" Iruka asked.

"It's an addition to the report I turned in yesterday." Iruka sighed.

"How is it that you always manage to leave something out? You really should read over them before you turn them in." Iruka didn't even bother mentioning that 'the client's shirt was red' wasn't a vital part of the report and wouldn't be missed if Kakashi had left it out. Most of Kakashi's 'forgotten' comments were superficial and frankly insignificant. Iruka wished the man would just stop dancing around the issue and ask him to dinner… Filing all the extra tidbits of information Kakashi kept supplying was damn tedious.

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It wasn't strange for a ninja to wait around a few minutes to talk to a friend in the mission room, or even to plan their visits around a certain person's schedule. Naruto wondered, however, why Kakashi was willing to sacrifice a few hours of his life in order to hand in a report to Iruka. It wasn't like he even talked to the chuunin- no special greeting or idle chat about the weather, no questions about Iruka's teaching, nothing. Oh well, Naruto already knew that Kakashi-sensei was crazy.

After his former sensei delivered his message to Iruka, he lingered a few minutes, glancing over his book at Iruka when the other ninja wasn't looking. 'Does Iruka-sensei have something on his face or something?' Naruto wondered.

Naruto trailed the copy ninja to the Hokage's Office next. While he was the strongest ninja in the village and destined to become the next Hokage, Naruto was willing to admit that trying to sneak into their meeting might not be the best of ideas. Besides, Sakura-chan was outside the office, practicing medical jutsu stuff. He was much too generous and caring to deny her the gift of his presence.

"Hello, Sakura-chan!" he shouted to her. The flow of chakra she'd been directing into a wounded squirrel faltered for a moment, and one green eye twitched dangerously. Sakura broke off her jutsu.

"Narutoooooooo! I'm gonna kill you!" Naruto cringed as she smacked him in the head. He couldn't help it if she was confused by her strong attraction to him; she didn't have to take it out in a physical way (or at least not _that_ physical way).

"What are you doing here, anyways? Tsunade-sama didn't send for you." Sakura asked, once her anger had subsided. Naruto explained the bet to her and offered to share some of his victory ramen with her.

"Wait a second. You tried to get Kakashi-sensei with your usual sexy-no-jutsu?" She asked. Naruto nodded (that's what he loved about her-she was so sharp!). Sakura burst out laughing.

Five minutes of gut-wrenching laughter later, Sakura wiped her eyes and tried to get enough air back into her lungs to explain.

"You're so clueless, Naruto! You'd have to be a moron not to have noticed what Kakashi-sensei's 'type' is." Naruto stared at her. Sakura sighed.

"Think about what you saw today, Naruto. It's not that hard, even for a loser like you." Naruto gave her a blank look.

Sakura growled. "Never mind!" She hissed, frustrated at her teammate's utter oblivion. "Just keep following him around, and remember what Kaka-sensei used to tell us: 'Look beneath the beneath'. It will help you with this bet and maybe even with your own love life." Naruto nodded.

"Of Course, Sakura-chan! I'll figure out what sensei likes and beat that bastard Sasuke!" The office door opened and Naruto barely had time to duck out of sight before Kakashi emerged, looking bored behind his book. The blond followed him out quickly, not giving his pink-haired teammate time enough to punish him for bad-mouthing Sasuke.

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"Tsunade-sama, would you mind if I take the rest of the day off?" Sakura asked when the two ninja left. Tsunade shooed her off.

"Go ahead. I wish I could get out of here." The Fifth Hokage grumbled.

Sakura skipped out of the Hokage's office and walked in the direction she'd seen Kakashi and Naruto take. And what was that? Following Naruto who was following Kakashi was a certain dark-haired teammate of hers. This was getting _very_ interesting. Sakura would be damned if she was going to miss out on this! She fell into a habit she'd long since grown out of, yet still felt familiar. And wouldn't you know, her Sasuke-stalking skills hadn't gotten rusty at all!

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Naruto puzzled over what Sakura had told him. What was he missing? He watched Kakashi's actions more carefully now, determined not to miss any more clues.

Kakashi's head jerked up quickly every time he heard a small child call out "Sensei!" Kakashi hadn't been any body's sensei for four years now. Why would he still answer to it?

On a more useful note, Naruto observed that Kakashi would often look up from his book when he saw a brunette pass by, but would go back to his reading after a second glance. Brunettes were obviously his type, but the ones he walked by in the village must be missing something else that Kakashi liked too. Training with Jiraiya had given him a photographic memory when it came to a woman's appearance (the pervert often refused to teach him more jutsus unless he passed 'information gathering trials', in which he would have to recall various aspects of a random woman they'd seen earlier while Jiraiya used the information in his manuscripts), but even that couldn't help him find any big similarities among the women, other than the hair. They all seemed pretty enough. What were they missing?

Naruto noticed one more thing about Kakashi-sensei. When he did abandon Icha Icha long enough to look at someone, his eyes didn't go to the person's face, like a normal persons, or even to a woman's breasts, like a normal guy's would; Kakashi's eye went straight for the ass. And Kakashi must have gotten confused, having only one eye and all, because some of the people he checked out weren't even women.

Something nagged at Naruto's mind. 'Beneath the beneath' Sakura had said. She couldn't mean….Kakashi didn't like…did he?

No. That couldn't be it. He always read Jiraiya's books, and they were about women…

…having sex with men. Naruto broke away from the path that Kakashi was walking down. He ran to Jiraiya's apartment and let himself in (the pervert-hermit had left a sign on the door that read 'Out researching-back in an hour'). Scrolls and books were thrown aside until a shelf of original print Icha Icha series adult novels were excavated from the bachelor's mess. Naruto pulled out the first of the series and flipped through it quickly. He threw it aside and scanned the next one. He kept speed-reading until the entire series was tossed aside.

Now Naruto was seriously grossed out. Not only had he discovered that the volumes that Kakashi was seen reading most often had either gay characters or described the main hero more than the heroine; he also recognized some of the women in the latter part of the series as some of the ones he'd 'researched' in exchange for jutsu lessons. But the most disturbing thing was, there was a busty blonde heroine in volume 13 that matched the description of his sexy-no-jutsu transformation perfectly. That was so wrong! The blond boy shuddered. All the perverts of the village, reading about his female version and getting off to it! He wailed and clawed at his eyes. Noooooooooo!

Okay, he was over it now. His attention span wasn't long enough to worry over anything that wasn't made of noodles for more than three minutes. He'd have to get back at pervert hermit later. Right now, he needed to confirm his suspicions.

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Sasuke watched from the shadows as Naruto came out of the toad-bastard's house, visibly shaken. He was following Naruto strictly because of the bet. He wasn't quite sure why he had felt the impulse to sneak about it; he could have followed Naruto openly, claiming that he wanted to make sure the other boy didn't cheat or anything (although he knew the dobe never would- it wouldn't occur to him, half-ass ninja that he was). He attributed it to the fact that when they were walking together, they argued constantly, and when he stalked, Naruto was quiet and almost pleasant. It wasn't like he followed along unseen because it gave him a chance to look his fill at the other boy's face and his ass without the fear of being caught. And it most definitely wasn't because when he was with Naruto, he felt the urge to smile goofily and would have massacred a reputation eight years in the making.

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Sakura had been following Sasuke (who was following Naruto who had been following Kakashi) for the better part of an hour before Naruto began to double back and ask about her whereabouts.

"Yo, Dog-breath! You seen Sakura-chan anywhere?" He shouted at Kiba, who flipped him off in way of an answer. Naruto blew him a raspberry and continued on. Sakura watched in horror as he turned to ask Hinata, who was standing nearby. If she used her Byakugan, both her and Sasuke-kun's cover would be blown!

Sakura jumped out of her hiding place and walked straight up to Naruto before he could make the stuttering girl faint.

"Hey Naruto, I heard you were looking for me." Naruto practically tackled her.

"Sakura-chan, I need to talk to you! When you said 'beneath the beneath', how beneath did you mean?"

"Did you figure it out already?" Sakura had to admit, Naruto was the number one ninja at surprising people-she'd have bet that he'd have taken another four hours at the least.

"Come on, we shouldn't discuss this here." She led Naruto back to her house and up to her tidy little room. Her parents wouldn't be home for a few hours, so they'd never know the kyuubi boy had been under their roof.

"So," Sakura began. Naruto plopped down on her bed, wrinkling up the covers. "What have you figured out?"

"Well, I don't think Kakashi-sensei likes blonde." Naruto said with a grin. Sakura playfully swatted at his head.

"And?"

"He likes brunettes."

"And" Sakura pressured, loosing her patience a little with each passing second.

"He checks out people's asses."

"HAVE YOU FIGURED IT OUT OR NOT, NARUTO!" she yelled, letting Inner-Sakura have free reign for a moment.

"Well, I haven't confirmed it yet, but I'm beginning to thing Kakashi-sensei likes guys."

Sakura nodded eagerly. "And?"

"There's more?" Naruto asked. He'd just found out his old teacher was gay, and Sakura was telling him there was more to it? "And you don't mind about him…you know?"

"Do you?" Sakura watched as Naruto's eyebrows furrowed as he thought. She crossed her fingers and hazarded a glance out her window. Sure enough, there was a flash of black. Sasuke was listening.

"No, I guess not." He admitted finally. "It's Kakashi-sensei's choice."

"Yup. It's okay for a guy to like another guy." She said pointedly, looking out the window again. Naruto nodded.

"I better get back to Kakashi-sensei now, Sakura-chan. I've still got to figure out what kind of guys he likes." Sakura sighed. Still so clueless.

She waited until Naruto was gone and Sasuke was safely following behind before she resumed some stalking of her own.

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Naruto was very proud of his discovery. He knew Kakashi liked brown hair and men. The bet was practically done! He just needed to figure out a few finer details before he ambushed an unsuspecting jounin.

Something was bothering him, though. The kyuubi's instincts had been acting up all day, telling him that someone was watching him. Even now, the hairs on the back of his neck were on end. He whipped around. Nothing. He continued on to where he knew Kakashi-sensei would be at this time of day (training grounds with Gai-sensei, until four forty-seven). As he walked along the streets of Konoha, he stole glances into the hitai-ates of the people walking in the other direction. The shapes of the reflections he caught were fuzzy and unrecognizable, but the color wasn't. A blob of pink would appear and disappear.

Why was Sakura following him? She only stalked Sasuke.

…

…

Naruto looked into the next hitai-ate with more concentration. He looked, and now that he knew what he was looking for, he saw. A blob of black-his rival's hair and angsty clothing.

But Sasuke following him made even less sense than Sakura. If he was curious about the bet, he could've just shown up and joined him, without all the sneaking and hiding.

'_Look beneath the beneath'. 'It's okay for guys to like other guys'. Stolen glances at the window. _

Damn.

'_Are you hurt, scaredy-cat?' 'My body moved of its own accord, baka.' _

'_I want to fight you, too.' 'This isn't meaningless; to me, you've become my best friend.'_

Well damn. All these memories, of Sasuke saving him, him saving Sasuke, smiling at one another, fighting each other. Sakura seemed to think it was more than friendship. Did Sasuke too?

Sasuke noticed him and put up with him more than he did anyone else in the village. Back during the chuunin exam, he had known where Naruto had scars and which leg he kept his weapons pouch on, yet he hardy noticed when Sakura cut her hair off. Sasuke went out of his way to keep him out of danger, 'because you're too stupid to take care of yourself, dobe'.

'_Look beneath the beneath…it may even help out with your own love life.'_

And this day had started out so normal! What happened? 'It's because I ate that damn fruit that Kakashi-sensei brought. No day can go right if you don't start it out with ramen!'

Oh well. He needed to do some research on this latest development. 'To the bath house!'

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Sasuke followed the dobe as he made a sharp turn and wandered toward the public bath house.

"I'm taking a break!" He proclaimed, in his usual, noise polluting voice.

'What's that baka doing?' He wondered. That was just like him, slacking off in the middle of a mission! Going to take a bath, sitting there naked in the steaming water…Sasuke blushed. He should go in there too, to protect the idiot. Bath houses could be dangerous places, especially for pretty, naïve boys like Naruto. The idiot couldn't be trusted with his own safety. Naruto was lucky to have someone like Sasuke to protect him. No pervert would be putting the moves on him today!

Sasuke henged into a chuunin that had been a year ahead of them in the academy and followed Naruto inside for a bath.

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Naruto didn't see Sasuke in the bathhouse, but he'd seen Sakura stop at the entrance to the male's section, so the boy had to be inside somewhere.

There were only three other people taking baths in the middle of the afternoon. Sasuke had to be one of them. Lets see, it wasn't the fat, hairy man from the butchers; Sasuke was too vain to change himself into anyone that ugly, though he'd die before admitting it. He didn't think Sasuke was spindly man who did paperwork for the Hokage. He had to be the last ninja, a pretty handsome fellow with many ninja skills (though he'd been overshadowed by Neji and Lee during his academy years), and also someone who Naruto didn't know well enough to figure out he was a fake.

Naruto decided a little fun was in order. He stretched like a cat, raising up more of his skin out of the water. Henge!Sasuke looked away quickly. Naruto massaged himself with soap, making little noises like it was the most pleasing thing in the world. Sasuke blushed. The butcher, obviously getting a little uncomfortable with the show the blond was putting on, wrapped his bulk up in a towel and moved to another bath.

Naruto moved as provocatively as he could. He continued washing for a few minutes, before the spindly librarian left (he looked like he was about to faint from the heat of the bath). Now that they were alone, he could use his trump card. He sashayed up to Sasuke and held out the soap to him. Sasuke stared blankly.

"Could you wash my back for me?" He asked innocently, before turning around and wiggling around to punctuate his question. Sasuke's line of vision was dangerously low. 'Now who's not subtle enough to be a shinobi?' Naruto thought.

When it became obvious that Sasuke wasn't going to react, he turned back around and forced the soap into his hand. It slipped out of Sasuke's hand and drifted to the bottom of the bath. Naruto stared straight down at it, knowing he couldn't look at Sasuke's face without laughing. The mischievous boy bent down very deliberately and scooped up the soap. The water was turning a pinkish color, he noted. The answer to the source of the new tinge came a second later, when Naruto saw a drop of blood drip into the bath. He looked up finally.

Sasuke didn't have a nosebleed; the boy had too much control of his actions to allow that. The blood was from his lip, which he had bitten into very hard. And speaking of very hard… Naruto's gaze drifted inadvertently down. Yep. Sasuke definitely liked him. When Sasuke became aware enough to see what Naruto was looking at, he jumped out to the bath and fled, barely stopping long enough to grab a towel.

Naruto lounged around the bath that he had single-handedly emptied and relaxed. Sasuke liked him. That didn't bother him nearly as much as it would have yesterday. He didn't really mind today. In fact, it had been really fun baiting him and teasing him. The way his heavy-lidded eyes drank in his every motion ('Nooo! I've been infected by pervert hermit's smutty porn!' He wailed to himself), it had been kind of exhilarating.

But that wasn't important right now. He'd gotten the Sasuke question out of the way, now he needed to figure out the Kakashi question. He dried off and dressed again. Back to stalking.

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Iruka had had a frustrating day. His alarm hadn't gone off, he'd been late to work, he'd had to pull a double shift in the mission room because someone was out sick, and to top it all off, Kakashi was still following him around like a lovesick first grader. Why couldn't the man just make a move already?

Now Iruka was passing out a pop quiz to the little hellions of his afternoon class at the academy. This group had Konohamaru's little brother, who was like a Naruto and a Konohamaru rolled up into one and multiplied by ten. They groaned as he passed out the papers. "We want a field trip!" they shouted. "No more book work!" Iruka ignored them. While torturing this rowdy group wouldn't make his day any better, it was a pretty good stress reliever.

At least, it usually was. It looked like the little ringleader was up to something. He gave a signal, and suddenly twenty-two little mini-ninja hurled themselves on him and pushed him to the ground. A young Hyuga pulled out some chakra string as an Akimichi produced a gag. They worked efficiently and showed great teamwork as they gagged him and pulled his arms over his head and tied them together. They were even using the rope-tying techniques he'd taught them earlier in the year- the ones that even elite ninja had to spend a few minutes on to get off. They tied the other end of the rope to the light fixture on the ceiling and tightened it until Iruka almost had to stand on his toes. Damn. If they weren't such evil little demons, he'd have to be proud of them. That didn't mean they wouldn't be punished, though. He would make each and every one of their lives a living hell! They didn't want quizzes? They wanted field trips? Oh, he'd give them fieldtrips! He'd arrange a nice one for tomorrow, right to the fields of Konoha, where they'd spend the entire day spreading manure around without the use on any ninja skills! Or maybe they'd be cleaning trash out of the river for the next month.

He tried to clear his mind and analyze the situation. They'd all escaped. His classroom was on the end of the building, and the classroom beside his was empty for the rest of the day. He couldn't use jutsu, because they'd tied his hands up all the way to the fingers. That also made it difficult to untie the ropes. He couldn't put his weight on the rope because he didn't know how stable the light fixture was, and he didn't want to break it and cause a fire in the academy.

Damn it! It looked like he'd be stuck here for a while until he could loosen the bonds enough to slip his hands out. He began working at them, screaming muffled curses through the gag.

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Naruto found Kakashi just as he was finishing his training with Gai (who sat in the corner of one of the training fields, sobbing and swearing to win the next round of their competition). He was sitting on the ground, catching his breath after some rigorous training. Naruto saw his hand moving along the dirt beside where he was sitting. Was he writing something?

Naruto inched closer. Damn it, he couldn't see! Kakashi recovered his breath and stood up.

"Later, Gai." He said, giving him his casual three fingered wave and transporting away. Naruto jumped out and ran to the pile of dirt, before the wind could blow it away or something could come and disturb it.

A crudely drawn heart was carved into the ground, with the message "K + I" within it. So, there was a specific person Kakashi liked?

Let's see. Brunet man that starts with 'I'? Izumo-san? No, Kakashi had checked out his ass briefly on the street, but hadn't lingered once he'd realized who he was. He must have though Izumo was someone else from behind. Who else started with 'I'? The only person he could think of was Iruka-sensei.

Iruka…sensei? _'Think about what you saw today, Naruto. It's not that hard"_ Sakura had told him. Kakashi-sensei had acted awfully weird around Iruka-sensei, and he fit the type. That would even explain the jounin reacting to "Sensei".

Ha ha ha! The bet was his! Now he just had to find Kakashi-sensei, and the week's worth of glorious victory ramen would be his!

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The day had gone pretty normal, as far as Kakashi's standards went. Sure, one of his former students had turned himself into a naked woman and flung himself into Kakashi's arms, but that wasn't so out of place in a village like Konoha. The fact that his old team was stalking him wasn't of concern either. Maybe he'd lose them and see if Iruka was still teaching the little brats. He was so sexy when he's angry!

Suddenly, he detected a presence behind him. He turned and saw, stepping out of a cloud like an angel, the most beautiful creature he'd ever seen. It was Iruka, naked Iruka, and Kakashi thanked God, his ancestors, and every celebrity he knew that he was alive. A thin wisp of mist covered the most essential spots, but he knew eighteen different wind jutsu that would take care of that. He tried to form seals, but he couldn't remember any of them. The naked Iruka angel moved toward him, floating more than walking. Kakashi wanted to talk to him, but his throat was totally dry. This was the moment he saw in his dreams, himself with naked Iruka, with Sasuke lurking in the shadows. Sasuke…that wasn't part of his dreams.

But Sasuke was there, watching the every move of Kakashi's fantasy man. Kakashi decided something fishy was going on. He looked at Iruka again (luckily the mask on his face covered most of his blush). He didn't _look_ like Iruka, though. He was more slender, smoother, and his face was surrounded by bubbles and sakura petals. He looked like he'd jumped out of a shoujo manga. Kakashi decided he didn't like these 'improvements'. Kakashi poked the pseudo-Iruka lightly with a kunai. The illusion dispelled and Naruto grinned up at him. The blond scratched the back of his head nervously.

"What'd you think of my sexy-Iruka-no-jutsu? I think it's gonna be a hit with the ladies." He said. Kakashi pulled out his Icha Icha and ignored the boy. Naruto gladly took the opening to retreat. Hopefully he's stop whatever scheme he had going with his sexy-no-jutsus now.

Kakashi was glad for the extra cover his novel provided. It wouldn't be good to let his students see how flustered he was. Was that how Iruka really looked naked?

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"I win, Sasuke-teme!" Naruto told his rival.

"No you don't. He threw off the jutsu. That didn't count."

"It did too! He was caught for a good five minutes. That would have been more than enough time to kill him if I were an enemy."

"He broke free of it. It doesn't count. If your jutsu was as good as you say it is, you'd be able to make him faint or get a nosebleed or something."

"So if I can give him a nosebleed, you'll admit I win?" Naruto asked slyly.

"Sure. But it has to be a perverted thought inspired nosebleed, not just one from an injury." Sasuke replied.

"Done!" Naruto transformed himself into Iruka again, this time making his body type identical to his favorite sensei's, instead of modifying it. "Just don't interfere this time!" He said in Iruka's voice.

Sasuke just stared at his friend as he walked back to where Kakashi was. He looked exactly like Iruka, except for the clothing he'd chosen. Since when did Iruka wear silk button down shirts and skin tight leather pants?

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Kakashi's heart stopped beating and his breath hitched as he saw the new sexiest person he'd ever seen. Here was Iruka, looking like Iruka, in leather pants and silk. Oh god! He'd never seen Iruka in civilian clothes, but if this was what he wore off duty, Kakashi was willing to devote every second of his life to stalking him!

"Kakashi-san, have you seen Naruto anywhere?" He asked coyly. Kakashi stared. 'It's not real.' He told himself. 'It's not real!'

"Kakashi-san? I really need to find him. I don't want him getting into any more trouble." He certainly sounded like Iruka. 'No, it's not real. It can't be.'

"Is it hot out here, Kakashi-san, or is it just me?" Iruka asked, unbuttoning the top button of that lovely silk shirt.

"It is hot." Kakashi managed, in a strangled voice. He could feel his brain slowly turning into mush as Iruka unbuttoned more buttons. He drooled over the tan chest that was revealed, longing to trace the scars that should've marred the beauty of that flesh, but only ended up making it more exotic.

Then the final button was undone, and Kakashi saw the trail of dark brown disappearing under the low-slung pants. Kakashi did the only thing he could think to do in a situation like that. He pounced.

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Naruto's plan was going just perfect, until his teacher decided to jump him. In a single swift motion, the boy found himself pressed against a wall, with Kakashi's unmasked face burying itself in his neck.

Naruto steeled himself for the attack. He could take this! He was a shinobi of the hidden village of Konoha! He was going to be Hokage. He just needed to hold out for a little bit of blood.

But when the groping started, Naruto squeaked and panicked. He shoved Kakashi away and transported himself the hell away from there. He was going to need so much therapy to make this moment ever be okay!

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Uchiha Sasuke was seeing red. He was an avenger. He would kill Hatake Kakashi if it was the last thing he did. He had just molested Naruto!

Speaking of the devil, Naruto appeared beside him in a cloud of smoke. "I win, teme." He said, still panting. Sasuke turned to look at him. Sure enough, there were drops of blood on the collar of his shirt, in the exact place Kakashi had attacked. Sasuke grabbed his wrist and dragged him in the direction of the Uchiha mansion.

"Idiot! See what happens when I'm not here to protect you! Let's get you out of here before anyone else tries to jump you."

The two boys left, any thoughts of their sensei forgotten.

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Kakashi was pretty sure that the Iruka he'd just been feeling up wasn't really Iruka. Now that his blood was back in the head it should be in, he was quite sure that he'd just been nibbling at the neck of one Uzumaki Naruto, which was very disturbing.

Well, he really hoped that wasn't Iruka, because if it was, he'd just blown any chance he'd had with him. Would the real Iruka react like that, by just pushing him away and running off? Iruka had always come across to Kakashi as the kind of guy who'd at least try to talk to you and let you down easy, although that hadn't made it any easier to approach him with his attraction.

That wasn't Iruka. It definitely wasn't. He was absolutely, one-hundred percent sure.

He began hopping roofs to get to the academy, just to check and make sure.

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By this time, Iruka had managed to loosen the ropes that bound his hands enough that he could almost start untying them. He was never going to teach a class this thorough of rope tying again! He would stick with the easy-to-untie-if-you-know-the-trick knots, and let their higher level instructors deal with the more advanced methods of bondage.

The sensei looked up from his work as he heard a noise at the window. A masked face hovered there, looking at him in awe. Iruka tried to shout at him 'Get the hell in here and untie me now!', but with the gag, it just came out as a muffled "Mmmmmmph!" Kakashi seemed to understand, though, because he let himself in.

Iruka was still royally pissed at the world when the jounin hesitantly walked over to him and asked, "Are you really Iruka?" Damn jounin ninja, just untie the damn rope!

Kakashi removed the gag from Iruka's mouth. "Of course I'm me! Now get me untied!"

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Whatever powers that be that were running Kakashi's life were either finally rewarding him, or had one sadistic sense of humor. Iruka was tied to the ceiling of his classroom, completely at his mercy. A quick look with his sharingan showed there weren't any illusions with this Iruka. He was the real thing, and he was smoldering with anger. God he was sexy when he was angry like that.

Kakashi couldn't take it any more. He'd wanted the chuunin for months now, and seeing fake-Iruka naked and kissing him had only fueled his passion. Now there the object of his affections was, his face flushed with rage…

Kakashi pounced again, consequences be damned! He kissed him full on the lips, hoping with all of his being that it wouldn't be the only time he'd get to taste them. He kissed until he was out of breath, well aware that when he finished, Iruka was probably going to kill him. When he finally pulled back, Iruka looked at him sternly.

"Kakashi. Untie me."

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Kakashi looked like a kicked puppy as he loosened the ropes on Iruka's hands and freed him.

"Finally!" Iruka shouted. He took the chakra strings and bound Kakashi's hands where his own had been tied only a moment before. Then he did a little pouncing of his own. He jumped up on Kakashi, wrapped his arms and legs around him to hold him in place, and gave him a kiss that rivaled the one he'd just received. It was better than the first kiss, even, because this one was reciprocated. "Finally." He repeated, mumbling against the other man's lips. This time, he wasn't talking about the ropes…

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Kakashi had never thought of an academy classroom as heaven until now. This was heaven, and this new feisty Iruka was an angel. He'd died on a mission and this beautiful, sexy hellcat kissing him was his divine reward.

He quickly began freeing his hands (Iruka hadn't tied him nearly so tight as the younger man had been tied), so that he could finally touch the other ninja. Iruka had already unzipped his vest (he couldn't take it off with Kakashi's hands pulled over his head like they were) and was moving on to a piece of clothing he could remove. The downside to that was he had to unwrap his legs and stand on his own to do it, getting rid of the wonderful friction that had been building up between them. Kakashi was sure, however, that the pros were going to outweigh the cons of that situation very quickly…

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Sakura peeked into the academy room window for a minute, and quickly looked away, blushing. She had decided to follow Kakashi first, when he'd split up with Sasuke-kun and Naruto. It looked to her like Iruka-sensei and Kakashi-sensei had worked everything out though (at least, enough to be undressing each other in the middle of a classroom). She'd better go see what Naruto and Sasuke were up to.

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The old argue had started up again.

"See? I told you my jutsu was supreme. Admit it." Naruto said, prancing around the Uchiha mansion.

"That was just a fluke, dobe. Kakashi-sensei is a pervert; of course he'd fall for your pervert technique." Sasuke replied.

"Hey, you didn't have to pick him." Naruto pointed out. Sasuke blushed. Sakura had said that only a moron wouldn't already know that Kakashi was in love with Iruka. How had he missed all of the evidence? He could understand Naruto not getting it, but he was an Uchiha, and Uchihas didn't miss things like this!

"Your jutsu sucks. It only works on perverts."

"Which our village is full of." Naruto pointed out. Sasuke had to admit, he was right about that. "Name one person who you think it wouldn't work on." He challenged.

"Me. I bet you couldn't get me to fall for that jutsu." Sasuke said (unaware that Naruto knew it was him in the bath earlier, rather than some random academy student).

"Betcha I can!" Naruto formed the sexy-no-jutsu seals, and changed in a cloud of smoke. But when the cloud dissipated (all but a flatteringly large puff over a certain area of Naruto's anatomy), he really hadn't changed all that much. He was a male version of the original, just a more slender, shinier version of himself. Sasuke twitched.

"Dobe!" He shouted, tackling Naruto and dispelling the jutsu. He pulled out a kunai and started shredding the other boy's orange and black jumper (a secret fantasy he'd always had, ever since he'd first laid eyes on that orange atrocity years ago). "I don't want that girly version of you!" Once he'd sufficiently mauled the top, he moved on to the pants, leaving Naruto in a pair of green boxers. "I want you. The real you!" He finished with the pants and crawled back up and caught Naruto's mouth in a bruising kiss. Naruto returned it with equal enthusiasm.

"See, I told you, Sasuke. No one is immune to my jutsu." He said with a smirk.

Sasuke was tired of Naruto's gloating. He used his new method of quieting the blond- having his tongue down Naruto's throat. It was a very efficient technique- he'd have to use it more often.

Sasuke stood up and pulled Naruto up out of the pile of shredded clothing ('He'll have to wear Uchiha clan clothes tomorrow', he thought, grinning as he envisioned Naruto swathed in the clan symbol, unmistakably his).

"This way, dobe." He said, leading him toward his bedroom. Naruto followed along eagerly.

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Sakura watched as the two boys disappeared down the hall together. They'd worked everything out too! Sakura did a little victory dance and went on her way. What should she do for the rest of the evening, she wondered? Maybe she should catch a movie, or train more.

Or she could see if there were any windows that looked into Sasuke's room. Yes, she'd go with that!

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Yes, I know, sexy-no-jutsu fics are overdone. I don't care. This was supposed to be a short one-shot between other fics, but kind of ended up as a long one shot, because I'm too verbose. Oh well. This one's done, though. No sequels or anything. So I'll say thank you in advance, to any kind souls who give me feedback.


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